And I hate her.
Michonne, for those of you who have seen the season 2 finale is the hooded zombie assassin that was towing two armless and jaw-less walkers.
I never read the comics for this particular zombie universe, but I'm far from a "zombie novice," I've been fascinated with zombies since the first time I saw Return of the Living Dead. So I recognize and understand that seldom are two zombie universes (universi?) identical. While the first zombies were the results of alien radiation, they later came from nuclear waste, a natural variation, or a virus or something else. They have varied in their origin and in their traits, but many things have been understood to be universally true: they are dead everywhere except one important location: the brain stem. From the beginning and in every important variation since, to kill a zombie, you must destroy the brain. Unless you kill the brain, the brain will continue to drive whatever it's attached to toward one goal: the flesh of the living. "The living" has varied, as we see in The Walking Dead universe, zombies will attack animals as well as humans, but in most other zombie realities, they will only attack humans. With that in mind, notice other mostly universal traits of zombies/walkers/rage infected: they cannot be trained, they cannot be swayed, they do not rest, they do not waiver, they do not need oxygen or blood circulation or organs or encouragement. They have one goal: feed. They don't defend themselves, they don't navigate obstacles. They have no higher brain functions.
Enter Michonne and her "pets."
When I saw Michonne on Sunday night I had an immediate and impulsive response, "That person is awesome! They wield a sword and have zombie pets, that's freaking awesome!" I wasn't thinking it through.
I looked up that character Sunday night and read what I could throughout Monday. I wanted to know more about the apparent Zombie Whisperer. Then I learned who those pets were to her. One of her pets is her old boyfriend, the other is her boyfriend's buddy. She was hiding out with them immediately after the outbreak and when she went out to forage, her boyfriend turned and bit his pal. When she came back they were both walkers and she was now wielding the katana she found at a neighbor's house. She sliced an arm and managed to get them into a closet or another room, refusing to kill them yet. She spent days hiding out there with them in the other room, and her without food. Over the next couple days she realized zombies don't attack each other and that her boyfriend could be of use to her. Apparently she also realized that the bites and the scratches are what transmits the zombie infection, even though the comic never really addresses when she realized that last part or how she figured it out. So, she cut off the arms and the jaws of her boyfriend and his buddy so that they couldn't attack her. She shackled them on chains, covered herself in a cloak to mask her smell of life and set out on her way, pets in tow.
This is what I hate about her. It's not a direct hate, but the leap we have to make in order to believe her pets aren't attacking her. Apparently, the zombies realized they don't have jaws or arms.
No. Just no. They can't do that.
They don't have the brain function to learn. They don't have the ability to stop trying to feed. Even without arms or a jaw they'd still be trying to shove the living into their throat. That includes Michonne, and it includes any other living thing in this universe that we've established they'd try to feast on.
One repeating image we get in the zombie universe is one of a severed head, brain intact, wide eyed and biting at the object it has focused on. They don't do anything other than try to feed.
Except for Michonne's pets. Apparently they learned something, and that upsets me.
This is the worse leap in the zombie realm, ever.
We've seen people take liberties with what zombies are. In the 28 Days Later universe, they were just infected with rage, not necessarily dead; in I Am Legend they could work as a team and strategize, but even in those universes they remained true to themselves. In this instance the universe has contradicted itself. We've seen the walkers put themselves at risk in this universe to feed, we've seen them unable to navigate obstacles like fences and windows and ladders, we've seen them not learn that they can walk around something, we've seen that this universe accepts that zombies do not have any higher brain function.
Except for these two walkers apparently. They apparently figured out they can't transmit their death, so they've stopped trying.
The awesomeness of this character, Michonne, revolves around her pets, which are contradiction of their own existence; So I hate Michonne for ruining this universe's concept of possibility.
There is no coming back from the paradox of walkers having no higher brain function, and simultaneously walkers that were tamed.
So I hate Michonne for katana-slicing the illusion of this universe right out of existence.
I'll still watch every episode of season 3 and any after that.